


Hell is A Pile of Greasy Chips

by FernStone



Series: Food Omens [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Food Service, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Restaurant, Chef Gabriel, Crack Treated Seriously, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fast Food, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Heaven Is A Fancy Restaurant, Heaven and Hell Are Rivals, Hell Is A Fast Food Restaurant, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Manager Beelzebub, Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), Other, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 12:57:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20582882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FernStone/pseuds/FernStone
Summary: It had become a bit of a tradition in the past few weeks. Gabriel would come in and they would argue. Then he'd order the same thing (a double cheese burger with a large chips and coke) and complain about how disgusting it was, even when he ate all of it.Honestly Beez didn't understand it."I think he's scouting us out," Dagon narrowed their eyes suspiciously after he'd left."That's ridiculous," Beez snorted at their floor manager. "We don't even directly compete. That's no reason to eat food you hate.""I don't know then," Dagon shrugged. "But I'm pretty sure Ligur spat in his food this time."





	Hell is A Pile of Greasy Chips

**Author's Note:**

> So this was born from a short discussion in a tiktok live, that I latched onto and decided to casually write. It evolved into this fic and multiple more to come. Oops. This was meant to be crack tbh, but it's become slightly more than that? But it was still just a relaxing thing to write, so sorry if the character development ect is a bit quick! It's meant to just be a happy little thing really where I can run with whatever ideas I have.
> 
> Can't believe this is what I write after Unbecoming smh (there will be more serious / angst fics to come dw).
> 
> The next fic will be Gabriel's POV more, wish me luck I struggle to write him more. (Also unbeta'd as normal and written on my phone, be kind I'm lazy and busy)

Hell's Diner was nothing like the name suggested. It, in fact, wasn't really a diner. It was a fast food place. It prided itself in being cheap, fast and having not a single healthy ingredient. There were no vegetables in sight in the place, unless soggy lettuce that was probably out of date counted. Even with a lack of hygiene standards its still thrived - because its food was greasy and far too tasty for what it was.

Its next door neighbour, Heaven's Delight, was quite the opposite. Everything was organic and everything was healthy. Its prices were sky high and it was a classy establishment. The two places couldn't even be called competitors because they had entirely different markets. Yet the staff had an intense rivalry between them.

Really the rivalry was down to the fact that the owner of Hell's Diner had been kicked out of Heavens Delight, and had a deep seated resentment. It didn't help that those from Heaven looked down on those in Hell (they aptly described it as being just like real hell).

And the restaurant managers hated each others guts.

Beez Bubert was the top dog in hell, second only to the owner. They'd worked in Heaven before but had quit over the rules and constraints in the kitchen. They'd graduated culinary school with top honours but you wouldn't be able to tell. Gabriel Fell was one of the top managers in Heaven, having worked his way up from chef to head chef to manager (and still head chef). He ran his kitchen with an iron fist and scared the daylights out of anyone. Many quit because of him.

The two had worked together, once. Their arguments had been enough to make a waitress leave crying and gained a few complaints.

Their arguments still were terrifying, if not more so now that they were rivals.

"On of your workers cars blocked our delivery, so we got it a day late!" 

"Ah, Gabriel, what a pleasure to see you," Beez drawled at the fuming, much taller man who had just stormed into their place. It was in a quiet lull, late evening when most fancy restaurants closed and before the drunks hit up fast food places. So, of course, Heaven's Delight had just closed. On the other hand Hell's Diner opened later, just in time for the dinner rush, and closed much later. 

Why one of the managers, and their biggest rival, kept visiting was beyond Beez. 

"I swear the next time something like that happens I will report you!" 

"Report us to who," Beez raised an eyebrow, chin resting on their hand. They were behind the till today due to being short staffed, but it didn't stop them from having an air of command. Unlike some stuck up pricks they were willing to do anything to keep things running. 

"I- uh- the city council!" Gabriel fumed as he stumbled over his words. 

"A whole restaurant can't be held accountable for the actions of one employee." Whose name Beez would find to give them a raise. 

"Pah, I would hardly call this a restaurant." 

"Oh I'm sorry, I forgot you're organic only, Mr Head Chef," Beez rolled their eyes at him. "So it'll be your usual then?" 

He at least had the decency to look sheepish. "Yes." 

It had become a bit of a tradition in the past few weeks. Gabriel would come in and they would argue. Then he'd order the same thing (a double cheese burger with a large chips and coke) and complain about how disgusting it was, even when he ate all of it. When asked why he even ate there he'd say it was because it was easy and he didn't have time to cook at home. 

Honestly Beez didn't understand it. 

"I think he's scouting us out," Dagon narrowed their eyes suspiciously after he'd left. 

"That's ridiculous," Beez snorted at their floor manager (essentially a head chef, if they had an actual kitchen). "We don't even directly compete. That's no reason to eat food you hate." 

"I don't know then," Dagon shrugged. "But I'm pretty sure Ligur spat in his food this time."

Beez smirked. "Lucky him getting some extra flavour. Hopefully it'll stop him turning up. Anyway, how are the books looking." 

"Great, we've beat our profit margin aim but by a fair bit. The deal for university students did better than you thought it would." 

"Perfect," Beez nodded with a devious smile. There was nothing they liked better than using deals to get more money out of people without them realising. "And Crowley?" 

Dagon made a face. "Skipped half of his shifts this week. Pretty sure he's been going into the alley to meet that pretty boyfriend of his." 

That, on the other hand, would not do. While Beez appreciate the choice of location for the rendezvous, what with the garbage being out in that alleyway, they did not allow for people skipping shifts.

They ran both an incredibly tight shift while being lax in areas many bosses weren't. They couldn't care less for the hygiene standards of their workers or really the kitchen itself. The tables, sometimes, sure but people didn't come here for cleanliness. But skip out on work or not make something on time? Then not even God could save you from their wrath. 

The only reason Crowley got away with it was because he was their cousin, and their boss was fond of him (why Beez didn't know). Otherwise he would've been out in a second. Everyone else feared their anger whereas he was just a sarcastic brat. 

"When's his next shift?" 

"Right now," Dagon scrunched their face up. "He's supposed to come in before the late night rush so that Hastur and Ligur can go home." 

The two mentioned were still diligently doing their jobs, with Hastur scaring away any sober customers at the till and Ligur frying any nutrients out of potatoes. 

"So where is he?"

"Probably out in the alley."

Beez let out an exasperated sigh. "Tell the other two they can go home. I'll drag him in, one way or another."

"Yes boss," Dagon nodded an unsaid good luck before going over to Hastur and Ligur.

Beez just scowled and steeled themselves for whatever was waiting for them. If Crowley thought he could make out with his psuedo boyfriend during working hours he had another thing coming.

* * *

"I can't believe it," Dagon was absolutely fuming she arrived for work, fifteen minutes before they opened. Beez looked up from where they were counting out the till. They were always at least half an hour early when they had the opening shift. There was a lot of management that they had to do and rarely enough time on the job. 

It didn't help that they were almost constantly running a man down and Beez often had to take his place. They hated working the till and talking to people. It was the worst part and something they'd always avoided when possible. But they couldn't put Ligur on it, he hated talking to people even more, so as managed they sometimes had to do it. 

"What happened?" They asked when Dagon didn't just launch into a rant about what was pissing her off. 

"For a start I walked here, and they've covered up all of our flyers with the discounts! How dare they? There's plenty of space around them," Dagon shook their head in disgust. "And I bumped into Michael on the way in." 

Beez's face instantly twisted into a grimace of disgust. Of all the management at Heaven's Delight Michael was the worst. Beez may have argued with Gabriel in their time working there but they'd genuinely hated Michael's guts. 

"What did she want?" 

"For a start she taunted me about how much better their margins were than ours. How she even knows that I don't know. Then she blocked me from going into work, said something about being careful about our hygiene standards in the next few weeks and gave that haughty smile of hers."

Beez let our an exasperated sigh. "I thought they were done calling the authority on us to check the standards here. We're going to have to keep things tidier for a while." 

"That'll mean more work." 

"Sadly, yes," Beez slammed the till they'd been counting closed and moved onto the next, and final, one. 

"What means more work?" 

Beez's least favourite employee walked in, large grin and round sunglasses looking out of place with his work uniform. 

"Nice of you to turn up on time for once," Beez didn't give him a second chance. "Since you're here you can start cleaning all the tables before we open." 

"But you two were just gossiping," Crowley looked aghast at the thought of actually doing work. 

"Yes, and we're your managers," Beez snapped. "So follow my orders." 

"But Bee, my shift doesn't start for another five minutes," the pout on his face just made it worse. 

"Call me that again and I will rip you a new one, and then give unpaid overtime," Beez fixed him with their hardest glare. "Get to work." 

"I'm going, I'm going, my lord," Crowley gave a mocking bow before disappearing into the utility room. 

Beez sighed, turning back to Dagon. "This is going to be a long day, Hastur and Ligur aren't in for another few hours. You should get to work too." 

They did have other employees, there was never less than four of them about, but honestly the rest were mediocre at best and useless at worst. Hastur and Ligur had their peculiarities but they did their work well. 

"Got it," Dagon nodded, heading into the back room. 

Beez sighed and went back to quickly checking the till before they had to open. 

* * *

"Boss?" 

Beez looked up with a glare at Ligur, causing him to physically recoil. They distinctly remember telling everyone that they had some very important paperwork to do and were not to be disturbed. Opening the door to their office was very much a disturbance. 

"What is it? It better be good." The threat wasn't hidden in their voice, though they were sure Dagon had sent him (to preserve her own neck). 

"Gabriel is here and demanding he talks to you. He's basically throwing a tantrum and it's really ruining our work flow." 

"Send him in," Beez gritted their teeth, almost snapping the pen in their hand. Fucking bastard walking in like he owned the place and making all of their jobs harder. 

They managed to get their anger under control, enough so that they wouldn't throw something at him, before Ligur showed him in. 

"What are you doing here?"

"That's not a nice way to greet someone," Gabriel pouted, sitting down on the slightly wonky chair across Beez's desk from them. They rarely had people in their office so they'd never bothered with a good one. They were glad of it now. 

"Well unlike you, I still have work to do and I'm very busy." 

Gabriel raised an eyebrow, glancing around the office. "It's tidier than I expected." 

"Why. Are. You. Here," Beez growled out, trying to ignore the insult (or poor attempt at a compliment). 

"I'm here to ask you to stop your employee from dallying with mine. It's very inconvenient when he always leaves work early or just doesn't turn up." 

Beez raised an eyebrow. Well that was a new development. "Interesting, I didn't know Crowley was with one of your employees. Its out of my control, though. Believe me I've tried to get them to stop." 

The image of the two of them hugging next to a perfectly lovely trash can was not one they'd ever get out of their mind. 

"Well there must be something. It's really ruining our image." 

Beez rolled their eyes. "Yeah, poor you. Try having to overwork everyone because of it." 

Gabriel gave a slight shrug with Beez took as him indicating they'd won. "We should work together to fix it." 

"How so?" 

"We can fix their timetables so that they don't work at the same time or days, making it harder for them to meet each other at work." 

Beez nodded. It was a good way to try and deal with it. "That could work." 

"Great," Gabriel practically beamed, a blinding and sickening smile that must made Beez grimace. "I'll bring our timetables over tomorrow to sort it out. Deal?" 

They looked at his outstretched hand with distaste before reluctantly shaking it. 

"Deal."

* * *

Things were going better than expected. Crowley had stopped skipping shifts as much and while grumpier than usual, at least he was doing his work. Beez had hoped with the problem solved Gabriel would stop turning up.

How wrong they'd been.

He'd started turning up almost every day. And it was often when they were about to go on a break, with him somehow dragging them into sitting with him with a lot of pouting and loud complaininh about the hygiene standards that had other customers looking uncomfortable.

Sharing schedules had been a mistake.

To make things worse they found that they were even beginning to enjoy his company.

Sure he was incredibly thick sometimes, but beneath his idiotic air and cheesy grins was... Some kind of wit? He was actually really smart and a quick learner even if he was still oblivious and unobservant. He also wasn't quite the stuck up person they thought he was. He certainly wasn't as angelic as they'd expected, no he could be harsh and brutal and they liked they.

Fuck, they really were beginning to like him.

"Here's my number, just in case," he'd said one day. Beez had told him they didn't need his number and that he could fuck right off. But later they'd saved it in their phone.

Then they'd started texting and god had it spiraled from there. Beez found themselves looking forward to his texts, the funny complaints about about the people he worked with. The gossip was a far fling from what Beez was used to ("today Uriel admitted to having eaten fast food") but they found it entertaining. He was so ridiculous that was endearing.

They were really starting to fall for him and they hated it.

Not that they'd ever told him that. It was just a passing crush. They were sure they'd get over it. And it wasn't like he'd like them anyway - he still constantly voiced his disgust for the food and the place they ran. 

"I'm not on my break yet," Beez glared at Gabriel as he approached the counter with his signature 'come sit with me' grin. The queue for service was long so they'd spotted him standing in it ages ago. "And no, I'm not taking a break now." 

"But your break starts in five minutes!" 

Beez rolled their eyes indicating the massive queue of people. "And you think I'm going to be taking that on time. Think again." They really did regret giving him their timetable (well, only a little bit, maybe). 

Gabriel's face fell but they weren't going to give in to a little bit of sadness. Their work ethic was far stronger than that. They couldn't leave Hastur alone to take the orders of so many people. Sure, it might be so slow partly because he insisted on giving out the smallest change he could (normally pennies). But Beez would never tell him to stop - they knew the pleasure he got from it helped him get through the day. 

"Are you going to order or not? You're holding things up." 

"I'll have the normal," Gabriel's voice was even more whiney than normal, but Beez chose to ignore it as they put in his order and waited for him to pay. He should be thankfully they didn't give him his change all in pennies. 

"Strange for him to keep coming here," Crowley commented as he swung by, two trays in his arms and an eye wiggle in Beez's direction. They flipped him off behind the table. 

"Why does he keep coming?" Dagon asked from where they were desperately frying burgers. 

"Why would I know," Beez frowned at both of them. Dagon just shrugged while Crowley winked. Beez made a note to cut his salary this month. 

"He does always go to your till," Hastur added helpfully. 

"Probably because he doesn't want to get just pennies as change," Beez snapped, causing Hastur to grin. He always liked when attention was brought to the fact he did that. "Don't you all have work to do rather than gossiping about why someone from the enemy restaurant comes here." 

"Yes sir," Crowley smirked mockingly, while Hastur muttered something under his breath about how they really should poison his food. 

It was a thought Beez would've find nice a month or so ago, but now they'd found they liked the tall chef. It was revolting that they did. They'd never really liked him when they worked together (there was one drunken kiss but they were sure he'd forgotten it he was so hammered). If anything they'd hated him. 

So why were they growing fond of him now? 

Things quietened down after about half an hour, and Beez finally got a chance to take their break. They grabbed themselves some fries and a milshake, since they'd hardly eaten, and joined Gabriel at the table he'd chosen near the back. One of the cleanest, they noted. 

They ignored the suspicious glance from their staff members. They could deal with the questions later. Normally Gabriel had to kick up a fuss for them to sit with him. They'd just say they wanted to avoid it this time around. 

"You eat far too delicately for a fast food restaurant," they commented as they sat down. Gabriel was taking the tiniest bites out of his burger, eating it as if it was some kind of delicacy (but with a look of disgust). 

"Just because I'm in a place like this doesn't mean I should act like everyone else," he responded snobbishly. 

Beez flicked a chip at him before stuffing far too many into their mouth to prove a point. 

"That was unnecessary! I just cleaned this scarf," he looked down at the slight stain with dismay. 

"Don't like it, don't come here," Beez retorted. "I do run this place." Basically. 

He just pouted as he tried to dab it out with a napkin. Beez would feel sorry for him if he hadn't been such an asshole in the first place (well snob really but that was beside the point). 

"You're closed Mondays right?" 

"Yeah, why," they narrowed their eyes at him. 

"Well I've got two tickets to this cooking competition, and Michael can't make it. I was thinking you could come." 

"Why would you think that? You think I have any interest in proper cooking." 

"You used to be a chef." 

"Used to be is the important part of that." 

"You were very good at it from what I can remember. You must be at least a little bit interested?" 

"Let's not dwell on the past," Beez muttered around their straw, hiding the slight blush at the compliment. They'd never have thought Gabriel noticed their skill when they'd worked together. Cause yeah, they'd been one of the best back then. Better than him in many ways - graduating culinary school top of their class and everything. But that was the past. "Doesn't matter anyway, I've got a family meal on Monday." 

"Oh," Gabriel frowned slightly, taking the smallest sip of his diet coke. "Hopefully you'll be free next time." 

"Yeah, sure, next time," Beez responded brusquely, as if the thought of there being a next time didn't make them slightly happy. 

* * *

Beez was worried. They wouldn't admit it to anyone, but they were. 

It was midnight and there was no sign of Gabriel. They closed at 1am today which meant he only had an hour to show up. They tried to tell himself that he was just busy or had gone home, but he'd come everyday for the past two weeks. It just wasn't normal. 

They could text him, they had his number but that would be like admitting they were concerned. They could just imagine the teasing. 

There was only three people working at the moment, them, Hastur and Ligur. The other two were quietly talking in between the small amount of customers they were getting. Sundays were always quiet late with most people having work the Monday (whereas Monday was the one day Hell's Diner closed). 

Dagon had finished at eleven. Beez honestly wished she were here - at least then there would be someone they could talk to. Instead they were sitting in the main food area sorting through paperwork. 

The minutes ticked by slowly. 

At quarter to one they told Ligur and Hastur that they could go home. They probably wouldn't have any more customers anyway. 

They busied themselves with tidying everything up and sorting out the books for the end of the week. Honestly, they were looking forward to Monday. They hadn't had a single day off that week because they were still short staffed and it was easier to sacrifice their own time. Not like they had a life outside of work anyway. 

At five to one the door swung open. Beez spun around with a fake, deadly grin that screamed "get the fuck out were about to close" only to find it was Gabriel who had walked in. 

Well, stumbled was a better way to put it. He was clearly hammered. 

"We're about to close," they said, because they didn't know what else to say and he wasn't speak. 

"Sorry, didn't realise," he mumbled. They were shocked he even had the word sorry in his vocabulary. "Was out drinking with work and wanted to come by for the... Food." 

Beez raised an eyebrow. "You hate the food." 

"Do not." 

"You always say you do," Beez rolled their eyes at him. "Well it's too late for food now." 

He pouted and it was far to endearing. Beez still find the willpower to get him to stand up and shoo him out, locking the place up. 

"I'll walk you home, where do you live?" They turned to him were he was leaning against the wall for support. 

He rattled off a neighbourhood that was far too posh for Beez to have been to and far too far away to walk to. He must drive to work everyday, rich bastard. 

"Do you have money for a taxi?" 

He shook his head, looking forlorn. It played at the heart Beez hadn't realised they had. 

"I guess you can stay at mine then," they put at hand up as a blinding grin split his face. "But you owe me one."

"Okay!" He readily agreed before taking off in the wrong direction. Beez had to grab his scarf to pull him around. They totally didn't like doing that at all. Nope. Definitely not. 

The whole walk back Gabriel babbled on about the most idiotic things, random facts that he found impressive but were really quite mundane. Beez almost found themselves enjoyed it if it wasn't for the fact half his words were slurred and impossible to understand. 

By the time they reached Beez's place he was half leaning on them and almost falling asleep on the street. Beez quickly got him into their flat, thankful they were only one floor up. Stairs and a tall drunk like Gabriel was a bad combination. 

Thankfully their flat was small, with their bedroom the first door off the hall. Gabriel practically collapsed onto their bed. Beez scrunched their nose up. They'd just changed the sheets and now they were all messed up. It wasn't like they could offer him clothes, since theirs wouldn't fit him. 

Shrugging and trying to ignore it, they collected their pajamas. "I'll be sleeping in the living room if you need anything. The bathrooms next door, please go in their if you're going to throw up." 

Something about what they said made him sit bolt upright with a pout. "Why aren't you sleeping here?" 

"Because you're taking up the bed," they raised an eyebrow. 

"There's room for two." To prove his point he moved himself so he only took up half rather than being sprawled across the entire thing. 

"Its easier for me to sleep out there." 

"I'll sleep in there too if you are." When he went to get up Beez realised they weren't winning this one against a drunk's stubbornness. They gently pushed him back down onto the bed (trying not to think about how much they would've like to do that in a different context). 

"Fine, I'll sleep in here, I'm just going to get ready for bed." 

They took their time getting changed and brushing their teeth, coming back to their room with the expectation that he'd be asleep. He was lying down again but his almost violet eyes were watching them as they entered. It was a little unnerving, and Beez felt fairly uncomfortable and they slipped into bed beside him and turned off the light. 

They only just closed their eyes when Gabriel spoke. 

"I really like you, you know." 

"You're drunk." 

"I still really like you." 

Beez felt themselves blush but tried to ignore the warm feeling in their chest. They didn't want to give themselves false hopes. It was probably just him mixing up like and gratefulness. He'd come to his senses when sober. 

"Go to sleep, well talk about this in the morning," they rolled over so they were facing away from him. Then, quieter they added, "I like you too." 

They were relieved to be met with a snore in response. They sighed softly and closed their eyes, letting the breathing beside them lull them to sleep. 

* * *

Beez woke up with an arm wrapped around them. During the night Gabriel had closed the gap between them and hugged them close to him, and they'd curled up against him. It was comfortable, so comfortable that it was tempting to stay like that for a little longer. But their best opportunity to get out without him noticing was while he was still asleep. 

So they extracted themselves reluctantly, had a nice long showered and went through to the kitchen living room combination to make breakfast. They switched the TV onto something mindless as they cooked, frying up some eggs and bacon. A good fry up was always the best after a hangover. 

"Hey, Michael, I had the strangest dream last night that I-" Gabriel wandered into the room, freezing like an animal in the headlights when he saw them. "Beez?!" 

"In the flesh," they responded drily.

"Wait, this isn't my place." 

"Well done for noticing." It would take an oblivious idiot like Gabriel to not realise this flat wasn't even his until he'd seen them. 

"That means it wasn't a dream." At this realised Gabriel turned bright red, gaze shifting away from Beez and to anywhere but then. "I'm, uh, sorry for imposing." 

Another apology. This really was a strange. They sighed softly and flipped an egg into a plate, sliding it over to him. "It's fine, people say things they didn't mean all the time." 

They didn't think that they were so disgusting that Gabriel would be so embarrassed about what he'd said, but whatever. They wouldn't let it get to them (except it really hurt).

"What do you mean by that?" Gabriel spoke around eating. Was he really going to make them explain? They knew he was an idiot, especially in social situations, but this really was a step too far. 

They took a calming breath, busying themselves with making coffee before answering. "You said you liked me last night. I know you didn't really mean it, that it was just a drunken mistake. Don't worry it won't change anything about our friendship." 

If it could even be called that. Beez honestly wasn't sure. 

"It wasn't a mistake." 

It was Beez's turned to be shocked, as they almost dropped the mug of coffee they'd just made. "What?" 

"It wasn't a mistake," he seemed to steel himself up, though still a bit red, as he looked them in the eyes. "I do like you." 

Beez blushed, hiding it behind a long drink. "Why?" 

"I could give you a long list," Gabriel brightened, signature grin return. "Your work ethic for one. They way you scrunch up your nose when something annoys you and the small smile you get when something goes your way. And then-" 

"Stop, I've heard enough." They were bright red now. They weren't used to compliments, especially from someone they actually liked. 

"Beez," Gabriel turned serious for a moment. "I would be honoured if you would go out with me." 

"You sound like an old gentleman," they couldn't help but laugh, but quickly continued before he looked dejected. "Of course I will, you idiot." 

Gabriel's face looked up with the biggest grin they'd seen, and they let up a squeak as he pulled them up into a bone crushing hug (narrowly saving their coffee). "I can't believe it! I never though you'd agree or like me back!" 

"Yeah, well, that makes two of us," Beez grumbled, putting a finger on his lips before he went off on another tirade. "But please, just shut up and kiss me." 

"Gladly."


End file.
